That's All There Is To It!

A Year Ago

2010-08-18T18:00:00.001+08:00

A year ago on August the 8^th, my mother passed on. What was it like? Like nothing you will ever again experience in your life. Being a normal human being with selfish instincts, I instantly felt so alone. Why does my mother have to leave me on this earth all alone? Is nobody aware that I am not ready to go on living without her? Who will I turn to now when I have a problem? Who will comfort and still love me when the whole world is against me? Who now will love me unconditionally? How is this all happening to me??

I was devastated. I felt that everything was crumbling. I felt lost. Everything was pointless. Nothing had meaning anymore. I felt that it was too late for everything. I never had the chance to say goodbye even though it is something nobody ever wants to do. I never got the chance to tell her that I loved her unconditionally and that I truly appreciate her and will always need her, for one last time. Up until that point, I believed that every person should be granted that privilege in life. To be sure that someone knows, just before they die, that they mean something to someone else in this world. That they will never be forgotten. But that is not how it’s meant to be for everyone.

During her final months, she talked of how afraid she was of dying. My response to her each time was how that will never happen, exactly how I felt and saw things then. She has been in my life all along and I was certain that she will always be there. It was always a fact to me that my mother would pass on one day, but that she was also invincible.

My mother was diagnosed with ALS – Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis in 2007. ALS is a progressive, fatal neuro-degenerative disease caused by the degeneration of motor neurons, the nerve cells in the central nervous system that control voluntary muscle movement. She first lost the use of her left arm and at the time of her death, her right arm was very weak and both her legs were displaying signs of degeneration. As the disease did not affect her cognitive abilities, she was fully aware of her progressive loss of function and became anxious and depressed. In the weeks before she passed on, my mother was having difficulty breathing as the muscles of her respiratory system was growing weak. My mother succumbed to ALS only two years after she was diagnosed. She died due to respiratory failure.

Bathing and dressing my mother for the very last time, I broke down several times. I wasn’t sure if the Kebaya Nyonya was the outfit she would have wanted to be last seen in. I have always seek her out for anything important in my life. This was important, it was my mother’s funeral and she cannot advise me on it. My brother and I knew that we were on our own then. Seeing my mother in her coffin is a sight that I don’t wish to remember nor forget. We are never ready to lose a loved one to death.

In the aftermath of losing our mother, my brother and I had her estate and personal belongings to sort out. We decided that I should sort her personal belongings. Everything was so still in her bedroom. Someone had made up her bed after the funeral. Everything else was exactly where she had left them. Up until then, I had only gone through her things with intent to find something that I liked and then proceeded to coax her into giving it to me. Clothes, accessories, make-up and perfume. I chuckled then knowing that that was also what she did when she went into my room.

Her clothes still carried her scent. Her hairbrush still had strands of her hair tangled in it. Her watch showed that time is moving on while I stood still there in her bedroom. I wanted to stay there as long as I could and cry my eyes out. No matter how much I cried, the pain and sadness still remained. Eventually, we managed to pack and donate everything to the needy.

Whilst my beloved mother was still alive, she made sure to tell us how much we, my brother and me, meant to her. Everytime we did something good and other times when we did something bad. Sometimes, she would just call us over and gave a hug and a kiss and tell us that she loved us because that was the exact emotion she had at the time. I miss that. I realize now that she was the only person in my life whom practiced that. In consolation, we treated our mother the same. I can still smell her perfume and feel her rouged cheek, where I always kissed her.

I cannot go to her when something excites or saddens me now. But she is the very first person I think of. Realizing that she isn’t around anymore and that I can’t share the moment with her, never fails to stab me sharply each time. To me, my mother is irreplaceable. However, she is also unforgettable. What she has left behind in my brother and me will live on. Should I be graced with children of my own one day, I will tell them who their grandmother was and let them know that they would have meant something to her.

A Fact I Have Been Eluding

2008-02-21T21:00:00.000+08:00

Why do I think about you all day? I tell myself that I should not indulge in this obsession, yet my mind is ruled by you. My world seems that much more au fait with you on my mind. Why do I crave your attention? Every fragment of awareness you spare me makes me that much more complete. Why do I bother with what you’re thinking and how you’re feeling? It is but care that is so personified that I have for you. Your thoughts fascinate me. Your emotions instigate and enliven me. Why do I yearn for your presence? Though the pain is so unbearable, I long to see you. I am contented just to have you near me. I am instantly drawn out of the abyss with each glimpse of you.

Others don’t see too much in you. To me, you are more than everything. You might speak words that severs me; but only because I have bestowed on to you the weapon to do so. Your actions may annoy me. It is your imperfections that make you so real to me. Though we might not understand each other entirely, I would eagerly spend the rest of my life learning about you.

If perpetuity in hell is what I have to endure to keep feeling this way about you, I will suffer hell. I had thought that I could put my feelings into words. It seems I have failed. This could not begin to describe the way I feel.

I was convinced that I have loved before. I stand corrected.
I admired you. I liked you. I was crazy about you. I love you.

Pain

2008-02-16T14:57:00.001+08:00

Scientific studies have proved that the natural red head has a minutely higher threshold of pain as compared to everyone else. However, this was a study relating to physical pain. But what of emotional pain? Yes, everyone experiences emotional pain.

Occasions, situations, people and events. These, in a human life, relate to emotions. Happiness, sadness, anxiety, content, are all feelings, moods, emotions.

Is it possible to see a person in pain? Being the supreme beings that we are, we have discovered ways to oppress physical pain. But we are still haunted by the superficial pain that each and every human being experiences.

It is unfortunate that no matter how one hides, disguises, veils, pretends or ruses, pain administers itself over us all.

The one question that has been occupying me is - ‘How much superficial pain can one endure?’ It was difficult, but I have to reluctantly admit that I have been in pain. It graves me even more to admit that I seem to have no control over this situation. Well, when one isn’t Master of The Universe, these things happen.

So, I have altered my attention (as an initial step) to remedy it. Ignorance. Pain does not seem to have a cordial relationship with ignorance. When you ignore pain, it simply shies into a corner and watches you. Yes, be aware that it is still minding you. Ever conveying to you that it has not gone away and that you can only ignore it so much and for so long. Commanding. Enforcing authority over pain proved to be catastrophic. Pain retaliated by making me recognize that I was only mimicking the authority it had over me. Ending. Putting a stop to pain’s life would also mean putting a stop to mine. Fortunately, my fear for Death overpowers pain. I choose to live with pain instead of meeting Death.

No matter the action or antidote applied, pain always had the final sentence: ‘You will ultimately have to face me.’

Do you not find it amusing that I have come to refer to pain as if it were a person and that I have been living with this person and finding ways to understand and entertain him?

3 Decades

2007-12-27T14:26:00.000+08:00

Right. It’s time to face reality and accept the fact that I am now 3 decades old. That sounds ancient! However, I am truly grateful. To have come this far and learnt so much. To be blessed with the ability to continue learning. Truly appreciate it.

My birthday present for this year is a new apartment. Yes. A place of my very own. A place that I have worked hard for. Personally, I never knew how independent I was till I spent the very first night in my new apartment. I took a few moments and sat in bed to take it all in. Wow! This is utterly breathtaking. Looked back on the months I’ve spent buying the place, making all sorts of arrangements, buying furniture and stuff for the place and contacting many different people in the course of it all. I am very humbled by all the wonderful advice and ideas that were sent my way by family and friends. The only mistake I made was buying a drawer tray that did not fit my drawer. Naturally, my mother came to rescue! I love you, mommy! So, now I’ve officially moved in and am even more excited to pretty up the place. It’s still a work in progress. I suppose a home always is.

I’ll have to admit, this is a most expensive item I have ever bought. I wonder if I’ll ever strike gold and buy something even more costly. Don’t ever underestimate how optimistic I can be. Heh! Heh!

I did not think that I would be happy on my birthday this year. I appreciate the time a recent friend took to spend with me on my birthday. You were a ton of help and I could not thank you more. Thank you, Mary and Alvin, for drinks later that night. You guys are the best. Honestly, it was exactly how I would have planned to spend the day. Quiet and subtle.

I live everyday, modestly; and ever gratified that I am alive. That I have so much to look forward to and have all the freedom to have it all. Life is really short. Know what you want and do your best to get it. I refuse to live wondering, but I can live knowing.

Closure

2007-12-08T12:38:00.000+08:00

How did it all fall apart? What happened along the way? Did we try hard enough? What if…?
Questions with multiple choice answers that you’d pick option D. for - All of the above. Ultimately, we just want to achieve closure. To have that little comfort in knowing that the choice we’ve made is the better one. It doesn’t necessarily have to be the right choice, but we’re better off ambling off the road.

How did it fall apart? I could tell you anything and everything. You’d always listen to me. Why did you stop listening? Why did I stop telling you things?
I’ve always heeded everything you said to me. I still do. I impeded responding because you told me to. I compromised for you. But that led you to think that I’ve ceased listening to you. Perhaps I never should have reacted the way you wanted me to. And when you thought that I’ve stopped listening, you stopped talking to me. Our communication link went dead. We merely obliged each other then.

What happened along the way? I tried, very hard, to understand you. I knew from the minute we met that you were unlike the others I’ve met. But I never could understand you. I still don’t.
I never expected you to understand me. I only needed you to enjoy me. Enjoy what was unlike the others. You use to tell me that I would never bore you. In a way, I never did. You gave your all in trying to understand me. All that effort. You grew tired. Weary. You stopped trying to have a rest. At that point, you were already too somnolent to enjoy me.

Did we try hard enough? How hard is hard enough? We wanted so hard to make things right. But we also wanted so much to stay alive.
We’ve come to the beginning of the end. We’ve both opened different doors and stepped across different thresholds. Our paths are desolated. Perhaps our paths were never one and the same. Instead, we might have merely sojourned along our own ways to seek each other out. I’ve given it my all and you have given it yours. Shall we stop sinking now?

What if we try harder? What if we try once more knowing all the flaws now? Will we look back and want it all to be different?
We will always ponder and desire on both the past and the future. Will we skip together carefree and spirited through into the future? Or will we be walking on the tips of our toes for fear of shattering the already fractured past? Regret is foolish. Never letting go of the past will only maim the future. Will we ever resolve?...

A Conversation With My Conscience

2007-12-04T19:22:00.000+08:00

Me: Hey Conscience. You there?

Conscience: Yes.

Me: So, this thing about Viv, did I say the right things?

Conscience: You got her thinking, and you’ve helped her hurt less.

Me: That’s what I wanted. But why do I feel…bad?

Conscience: Because she made up her mind to stick with Greg; and Greg is married.

Me: She’s really in love with him, and all she wants is him. Since he’s already married to another person, she really shouldn’t hurt herself by thinking that he will marry her someday. I said some pretty harsh things to her.

Conscience: Let’s see, you said, ‘He has given you everything he can give you. The only thing he cannot give you is a marriage. This is because he cannot give you this, not because he won’t give it to you.’

Me: I said that. That was mean. She cried then. I could feel her heart breaking. But she looked at me and she had that look in her eyes.

Conscience: What look?

Me: That she realized marrying him was not possible.

Conscience: You also asked her, ‘Do you want to marry Greg, or do you just want to get married?’

Me: I figured that she has to know if she really really loves this guy. She has to figure that out.

Conscience: ‘If it’s him you want, you already have him. He has given you love, care and time. If he marries you today and don’t give you these things, you’re better off never getting married.’ You told her that.

Me: I think that drove her straight back into his arms. What have I done???

Conscience: Mmm… she was less troubled and hurt when you guys parted. She even told you that she’s happy to have him, so to speak. She sent you a message later that day to thank you for listening to her and that everything with Greg was fine.

Me: Yea. I reckon that if she loved him that much and just wanted to be with him, and she already has that, why bother marrying the guy when that is not an option. And isn’t all that mushy stuff the important part of a relationship?

Conscience: Perhaps. You believe that being happy and contented is important?

Me: I suppose that life throws a lot at you and you have to be happy and contented with what you have. If it’s something nice, you indulge in it. And if it’s something not so nice, you endeavor it and hope for the best.

Conscience: Well, seems to me that’s what you’ve told Viv to do. And, she’s made her choice. She’s chosen to indulge and hope for the best.

Me: I’m glad she’s happy. And if shit happens again, I’ll be there to listen again too.

Conscience: Are we done? Can I go? This session has gone into overtime and I’m not even getting paid.

Me: Yea. Yea. Whatever.

Me: Hey, Conscience. Why do we fall in love with the wrong people?

Conscience: Who’s we?

Me: Nevermind.

Looking Back

2007-11-30T10:24:00.000+08:00

I’ve paused. Took a deep breath, and turned around. I’m seeing many things and people that have happened in my life this year. The final month of the year is not here yet. Just around the corner. Lurking. Ready to take us all on. But I feel like I’m through. Done, finished, gotten over the year. I have many anticipations and fears for the year to come; with so many uncertainties in store.

The past has been sweet, bitter, with wishes fulfilled and dreams turned into nightmares. I’ve paused to take one last look at everything. One final wave. When I turn back, I will have no regrets, no tears, nor fears of my past. Pick up all the debris and mend all that is broken. Appreciate all that has been bequest upon me. Not forgetting the lessons that I’ve learnt and the promises that I’ve made.

A year older, a year lived. Take all my experiences with a pinch of salt and touch base with reality. Accommodating lost and feeling my way through a masquerade. I am still learning to endure these two very distinctive affairs in my life right now. So far, I’ve been euphoric and indignant along the way. I will survive.

Anticipate all and expect nothing. I feel that this helps in sincerely giving over and over again.

Some once said that ‘change is the only constant thing in life’. Please leave a comment if you know who coined this phrase.

Lastly, if all else fails, create a distraction. It'll buy you time. *wink*

Happy holidays & a happy new year to you!

Caramel - By Suzanne Vega

2007-11-27T10:34:00.000+08:00

It won't do,
To dream of caramel,
To think of cinnamon,
And long for you.

It won't do,
To stir a deep desire,
To fan a hidden fire,
That can never burn true.

I know your name,
I know your skin,
I know the way
These things begin;

But I don't know,
How I would live with myself,
What I'd forgive of myself,
If you don't go.

So goodbye,
Sweet appetite,
No single bite,
Could satisfy.

I know your name,
I know your skin,
I know the way
These things begin;

But I don't know,
How I would live with myself,
What I would give of myself,
If you don't go.

It won't do,
To dream of caramel,
To think of cinnamon,
And long For you.

My favourite drinks are Caramel Ice Blended & Cinnamon Ice Blended at The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. With lots of cream.... yumm....mmmm.....The aroma, the sweet smooth taste, the coolness of blended ice that melts into liquid in your mouth.
Ah, a sinful pleasure. Yup. After indulging in one of those babies (I always go for a regular sized one) it's off to the gym or the pool!

Go Away! Shoo!

2007-08-21T22:11:00.001+08:00

Don't call me. Don't fax me. Don't email me. Don't even think about me.

Some people just can't take a hint. It is painful.... dreadfully painful to have to politely brush someone off. Believe me, if I could shove this person off, I would. Alas, having have to co-work with so and so makes a 'polite brush' very necessary.

PISS OFF!!!

Excellent. I feel much better now after venting.

Yummy! Yummy!

2007-08-07T17:31:00.000+08:00

Granola Muffins

1 1/3 cup flour
2 cups granola
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt

2 eggs
1/3 cup brown sugar
1 cup buttermilk
1/4 cup canola oil
1 teaspoon vanilla

Directions

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. Prepare the muffin tins by greasing them well.

1. Combine the dry ingredients including the granola in a large bowl.
2. Whisk the egg, brown sugar, buttermilk, oil and vanilla together until the sugar is dissolved and the mixture is smooth.
3. Pour the liquid ingredients into the dry ingredients. Mix with a spatula until just combined.
4. Scoop the batter into the prepared tins. Sprinkle the tops with oats. Bake for 15 minutes or until the muffins test done. After the muffins have cooled for several minutes, remove them from the tins to cool on a wire rack.

Makes ten medium or 12 small muffins.

Portrait Of A Lady

2007-08-03T13:56:00.000+08:00

Not being the kind of person who really bothers how society percieves me, I have been rather amused by a few...'feedbacks' that I've received lately. New friends, colleagues and familiar strangers.

Fierce. Cold, initially. Approachable. Brutally straightforward (this one I can't deny). Wild (What the ...???). Classy (This one was meant in a good way). Like I said, amusing.

What do you percieve? Go ahead, amuse me.

Maroon 5 - Nothing Lasts Forever

2007-06-08T14:09:00.000+08:00

This song holds alot of meaning to me lately.
I'd recommend you get hold of a copy of it.

Maroon 5 - Nothing Lasts Forever

It is so easy to see
Dysfunction between you and me
We must free up these tired souls
Before the sadness kills us both
I tried and tried to let you know
I love you but I'm letting go
It may not last but I don't know
Just don't know

If you don't know
Then you can't care
And you show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

A bed that's warm with memories
Can heal us temporarily
The misbehaving only makes
The ditch between us so damn deep

Built a wall around my heart
I’ll never let it fall apart
But strangely I wish secretly
It would fall down while I'm asleep

If you don't know
Then you can't care
And you show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you, babe

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

Tough we have not hit the ground
It doesn't mean we're not still falling,Oh
I want so bad to pick you up
But you're still too reluctant to accept my help
What a shame, I hope you find somewhere to place the blame
But until then the fact remains

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes you so hard to stay
Nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

The Man!

2007-05-30T09:09:00.000+08:00

I've recently had a couple of dates with this guy and have fallen in love with him. He is just an adorable little guy! Ladies and gentlemen, meet Mr. Julian Yeoh.

We attended a colleague's wedding last Sunday and the minute his mom went off to the little girl's room, me and another colleague took turns to carry him. We both snuck in kisses and hugs. Trust me, you cannot resist this wonderful bundle of joy!

He's perfectly entertaining. Wonderfully sweet. ALWAYS cute, and smells just like a baby should.

Makes me wanna have one of my own! Ha! Ha!

Pangkor

2007-05-29T17:02:00.000+08:00

Ain't that a sight? Sunset at Pangkor. Yup, we took a trip there a couple of weekends ago.

Naturally, there was all that hustle and bustle, what with all that people. But the organizer; this little girl named, Sun, did a great job and we got to know the island pretty well.

A Barbeque Dinner was arranged and everyone (especially the men) we real excited about 'cooking'. However, tuend out, the 'cooking' part only involved filling up their plates. Hotel chefs did all the hard work. Like great men they are, they were all dissapointed. (Uh-huh...yeah!)

It was lovely. We really enjoyed ourselves.

He’s Too Skinny!!!

2006-07-26T12:14:00.000+08:00

‘I’ve got to loose all the pounds I’ve packed on during my trip back home!’ This bloke sounds like one of those ditsy supermodels!

What is wrong with you, dude? You’re too thin. You’re not lean. You’re just thin. Skinny. I like your look a lot better when you did not project a fragile image.

Sorry, my darling dearest friend, but I want you to fatten up, you hear?! You’ve got to impress the lot of my single girlfriends! Heh! Heh!

Thanks for the lovely gift and you forgot my little piggy!

Work

2006-06-09T16:04:00.000+08:00

Why do we work? Because it’s the natural thing to do? Because everybody’s doing it? We work to make a living. To survive because money don’t just drop from the sky. You have to fork our RM3.00 to buy a lottery ticket. Looking at the more basic aspect, we NEED money to eat. To have a place to live in. To survive. But how much do we really need?

A lot of my colleagues have recently resigned from the bank and moved on to other banks or organizations in pursuit of better offers. I’ve also given this some thought. Should I attempt to try to move to a greener pasture? I have had friends encourage and even try to help me get a foot in the door. But, I’ve concluded that I’m more of a person who seeks job satisfaction in my work, colleagues, bosses and the environment. I’m not a very career minded person. With this, I mean I don’t backstab or play politics to go somewhere. I find this very barbaric and uncivilized. And if you get up there by this means, well, let’s face it, then you’re not really the right person for the job because you got there not by knowing your work. And how long can you actually stay there then?

I did make a small move recently. Well, almost. I wanted to move to another department in the division to do something new. Everything was almost set. My boss then raised the issue that my current section will not do without me. Haha! Nah, my replacement is a muslim staff, and my section already has 3 other muslim staff and this will leave my boss drowning during muslim festivals. So, with a dreary look, he told me, ‘You may leave if you want to.’ I couldn’t bear to leave then. You know why? Because he’s a good boss. And I don’t mean he’s good because he lets me get away with things. But because he’s an understanding person and not pushy. He treats you like an adult and leaves you to do your job with full confidence. Mostly, he’s not a backstabber and a politician. Oh, and he bakes us muffins too.

I concluded that I’m happy with my current work and my only reason to move was to do something new and different. Since there were no other perks in the move, I stayed on. I’m already happy where I am, so I can say staying on is not bad at all.

I wish all my colleague/friends who have moved on to greener pastures all the best. Those whom I’ve grown fond of I will surely keep in touch with.

I Hate Passwords

2006-03-30T15:18:00.000+08:00

Well, maybe it because I’m not good at remembering them. This is the umpteen time I’ve forgotten my blogger access password (Arif - My Hero). Certain applications that I use at work, hey, I’ve totally messed up my password until the ID is being revoked. Yes, guess I’m an administrator’s nightmare!

My colleagues agree that I’m absolutely hopeless with it come to this. Heck! I agree with them that I’m hopeless at this.
*Sigh*…. I have to go try remember my password for something else now....