A Fact I Have Been Eluding

Why do I think about you all day? I tell myself that I should not indulge in this obsession, yet my mind is ruled by you. My world seems that much more au fait with you on my mind. Why do I crave your attention? Every fragment of awareness you spare me makes me that much more complete. Why do I bother with what you’re thinking and how you’re feeling? It is but care that is so personified that I have for you. Your thoughts fascinate me. Your emotions instigate and enliven me. Why do I yearn for your presence? Though the pain is so unbearable, I long to see you. I am contented just to have you near me. I am instantly drawn out of the abyss with each glimpse of you.

Others don’t see too much in you. To me, you are more than everything. You might speak words that severs me; but only because I have bestowed on to you the weapon to do so. Your actions may annoy me. It is your imperfections that make you so real to me. Though we might not understand each other entirely, I would eagerly spend the rest of my life learning about you.

If perpetuity in hell is what I have to endure to keep feeling this way about you, I will suffer hell. I had thought that I could put my feelings into words. It seems I have failed. This could not begin to describe the way I feel.

I was convinced that I have loved before. I stand corrected.
I admired you. I liked you. I was crazy about you. I love you.

Pain

Scientific studies have proved that the natural red head has a minutely higher threshold of pain as compared to everyone else. However, this was a study relating to physical pain. But what of emotional pain? Yes, everyone experiences emotional pain.

Occasions, situations, people and events. These, in a human life, relate to emotions. Happiness, sadness, anxiety, content, are all feelings, moods, emotions.

Is it possible to see a person in pain? Being the supreme beings that we are, we have discovered ways to oppress physical pain. But we are still haunted by the superficial pain that each and every human being experiences.

It is unfortunate that no matter how one hides, disguises, veils, pretends or ruses, pain administers itself over us all.

The one question that has been occupying me is - ‘How much superficial pain can one endure?’ It was difficult, but I have to reluctantly admit that I have been in pain. It graves me even more to admit that I seem to have no control over this situation. Well, when one isn’t Master of The Universe, these things happen.

So, I have altered my attention (as an initial step) to remedy it. Ignorance. Pain does not seem to have a cordial relationship with ignorance. When you ignore pain, it simply shies into a corner and watches you. Yes, be aware that it is still minding you. Ever conveying to you that it has not gone away and that you can only ignore it so much and for so long. Commanding. Enforcing authority over pain proved to be catastrophic. Pain retaliated by making me recognize that I was only mimicking the authority it had over me. Ending. Putting a stop to pain’s life would also mean putting a stop to mine. Fortunately, my fear for Death overpowers pain. I choose to live with pain instead of meeting Death.

No matter the action or antidote applied, pain always had the final sentence: ‘You will ultimately have to face me.’

Do you not find it amusing that I have come to refer to pain as if it were a person and that I have been living with this person and finding ways to understand and entertain him?

3 Decades

Right. It’s time to face reality and accept the fact that I am now 3 decades old. That sounds ancient! However, I am truly grateful. To have come this far and learnt so much. To be blessed with the ability to continue learning. Truly appreciate it.

My birthday present for this year is a new apartment. Yes. A place of my very own. A place that I have worked hard for. Personally, I never knew how independent I was till I spent the very first night in my new apartment. I took a few moments and sat in bed to take it all in. Wow! This is utterly breathtaking. Looked back on the months I’ve spent buying the place, making all sorts of arrangements, buying furniture and stuff for the place and contacting many different people in the course of it all. I am very humbled by all the wonderful advice and ideas that were sent my way by family and friends. The only mistake I made was buying a drawer tray that did not fit my drawer. Naturally, my mother came to rescue! I love you, mommy! So, now I’ve officially moved in and am even more excited to pretty up the place. It’s still a work in progress. I suppose a home always is.

I’ll have to admit, this is a most expensive item I have ever bought. I wonder if I’ll ever strike gold and buy something even more costly. Don’t ever underestimate how optimistic I can be. Heh! Heh!

I did not think that I would be happy on my birthday this year. I appreciate the time a recent friend took to spend with me on my birthday. You were a ton of help and I could not thank you more. Thank you, Mary and Alvin, for drinks later that night. You guys are the best. Honestly, it was exactly how I would have planned to spend the day. Quiet and subtle.

I live everyday, modestly; and ever gratified that I am alive. That I have so much to look forward to and have all the freedom to have it all. Life is really short. Know what you want and do your best to get it. I refuse to live wondering, but I can live knowing.

Closure

How did it all fall apart? What happened along the way? Did we try hard enough? What if…?
Questions with multiple choice answers that you’d pick option D. for - All of the above. Ultimately, we just want to achieve closure. To have that little comfort in knowing that the choice we’ve made is the better one. It doesn’t necessarily have to be the right choice, but we’re better off ambling off the road.

How did it fall apart? I could tell you anything and everything. You’d always listen to me. Why did you stop listening? Why did I stop telling you things?
I’ve always heeded everything you said to me. I still do. I impeded responding because you told me to. I compromised for you. But that led you to think that I’ve ceased listening to you. Perhaps I never should have reacted the way you wanted me to. And when you thought that I’ve stopped listening, you stopped talking to me. Our communication link went dead. We merely obliged each other then.

What happened along the way? I tried, very hard, to understand you. I knew from the minute we met that you were unlike the others I’ve met. But I never could understand you. I still don’t.
I never expected you to understand me. I only needed you to enjoy me. Enjoy what was unlike the others. You use to tell me that I would never bore you. In a way, I never did. You gave your all in trying to understand me. All that effort. You grew tired. Weary. You stopped trying to have a rest. At that point, you were already too somnolent to enjoy me.

Did we try hard enough? How hard is hard enough? We wanted so hard to make things right. But we also wanted so much to stay alive.
We’ve come to the beginning of the end. We’ve both opened different doors and stepped across different thresholds. Our paths are desolated. Perhaps our paths were never one and the same. Instead, we might have merely sojourned along our own ways to seek each other out. I’ve given it my all and you have given it yours. Shall we stop sinking now?

What if we try harder? What if we try once more knowing all the flaws now? Will we look back and want it all to be different?
We will always ponder and desire on both the past and the future. Will we skip together carefree and spirited through into the future? Or will we be walking on the tips of our toes for fear of shattering the already fractured past? Regret is foolish. Never letting go of the past will only maim the future. Will we ever resolve?...

A Conversation With My Conscience

Me: Hey Conscience. You there?

Conscience: Yes.

Me: So, this thing about Viv, did I say the right things?

Conscience: You got her thinking, and you’ve helped her hurt less.

Me: That’s what I wanted. But why do I feel…bad?

Conscience: Because she made up her mind to stick with Greg; and Greg is married.

Me: She’s really in love with him, and all she wants is him. Since he’s already married to another person, she really shouldn’t hurt herself by thinking that he will marry her someday. I said some pretty harsh things to her.

Conscience: Let’s see, you said, ‘He has given you everything he can give you. The only thing he cannot give you is a marriage. This is because he cannot give you this, not because he won’t give it to you.’

Me: I said that. That was mean. She cried then. I could feel her heart breaking. But she looked at me and she had that look in her eyes.

Conscience: What look?

Me: That she realized marrying him was not possible.

Conscience: You also asked her, ‘Do you want to marry Greg, or do you just want to get married?’

Me: I figured that she has to know if she really really loves this guy. She has to figure that out.

Conscience: ‘If it’s him you want, you already have him. He has given you love, care and time. If he marries you today and don’t give you these things, you’re better off never getting married.’ You told her that.

Me: I think that drove her straight back into his arms. What have I done???

Conscience: Mmm… she was less troubled and hurt when you guys parted. She even told you that she’s happy to have him, so to speak. She sent you a message later that day to thank you for listening to her and that everything with Greg was fine.

Me: Yea. I reckon that if she loved him that much and just wanted to be with him, and she already has that, why bother marrying the guy when that is not an option. And isn’t all that mushy stuff the important part of a relationship?

Conscience: Perhaps. You believe that being happy and contented is important?

Me: I suppose that life throws a lot at you and you have to be happy and contented with what you have. If it’s something nice, you indulge in it. And if it’s something not so nice, you endeavor it and hope for the best.

Conscience: Well, seems to me that’s what you’ve told Viv to do. And, she’s made her choice. She’s chosen to indulge and hope for the best.

Me: I’m glad she’s happy. And if shit happens again, I’ll be there to listen again too.

Conscience: Are we done? Can I go? This session has gone into overtime and I’m not even getting paid.

Me: Yea. Yea. Whatever.

Me: Hey, Conscience. Why do we fall in love with the wrong people?

Conscience: Who’s we?

Me: Nevermind.

Looking Back

I’ve paused. Took a deep breath, and turned around. I’m seeing many things and people that have happened in my life this year. The final month of the year is not here yet. Just around the corner. Lurking. Ready to take us all on. But I feel like I’m through. Done, finished, gotten over the year. I have many anticipations and fears for the year to come; with so many uncertainties in store.

The past has been sweet, bitter, with wishes fulfilled and dreams turned into nightmares. I’ve paused to take one last look at everything. One final wave. When I turn back, I will have no regrets, no tears, nor fears of my past. Pick up all the debris and mend all that is broken. Appreciate all that has been bequest upon me. Not forgetting the lessons that I’ve learnt and the promises that I’ve made.

A year older, a year lived. Take all my experiences with a pinch of salt and touch base with reality. Accommodating lost and feeling my way through a masquerade. I am still learning to endure these two very distinctive affairs in my life right now. So far, I’ve been euphoric and indignant along the way. I will survive.

Anticipate all and expect nothing. I feel that this helps in sincerely giving over and over again.

Some once said that ‘change is the only constant thing in life’. Please leave a comment if you know who coined this phrase.

Lastly, if all else fails, create a distraction. It'll buy you time. *wink*

Happy holidays & a happy new year to you!

Caramel - By Suzanne Vega

It won't do,
To dream of caramel,
To think of cinnamon,
And long for you.

It won't do,
To stir a deep desire,
To fan a hidden fire,
That can never burn true.

I know your name,
I know your skin,
I know the way
These things begin;

But I don't know,
How I would live with myself,
What I'd forgive of myself,
If you don't go.

So goodbye,
Sweet appetite,
No single bite,
Could satisfy.

I know your name,
I know your skin,
I know the way
These things begin;

But I don't know,
How I would live with myself,
What I would give of myself,
If you don't go.

It won't do,
To dream of caramel,
To think of cinnamon,
And long For you.

My favourite drinks are Caramel Ice Blended & Cinnamon Ice Blended at The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. With lots of cream.... yumm....mmmm.....The aroma, the sweet smooth taste, the coolness of blended ice that melts into liquid in your mouth.
Ah, a sinful pleasure. Yup. After indulging in one of those babies (I always go for a regular sized one) it's off to the gym or the pool!